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Most of us can’t get through a day without telling a lie (at least, that’s what scientists who study deception say). But what would the world be like if we were totally honest, all the time? Well, in our upcoming show on Deception, Paul Ekman describes his personal attempt to walk the path of the honest man, even when it makes things a little awkward.
And some people have taken the whole honesty thing a lot further than Ekman. Check out “I Think You’re Fat,” an article in Esquire about a group called Radical Honesty. The group is a little weird, but the article is a fun read.
And let us know what you think. Would a completely honest world be a better place? Have you ever tried to go a day, or a week, without lying?
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12 Comments
I would be killed if I didn’t lie as often, and as well, as I do.
To be honest (ha!) i really don’t think i could get through a week - definitely not the same way - without lying to someone. Maybe it’s just that i shield a part of my character from other people. But i think other people do the same thing: hiding parts of themselves they don’t want others to see, and often not consciously. Little lies can keep things going smoothly, and i don’t know of anything of that kind that would harm somebody.
I think lying comes down to being an issue of controlling one another - if you control what someone knows, you can direct them in ways otherwise impossible. Sometimes it can benefit them or both of you if it’s a certain situation - Some might hesitate in reply to ‘Where do babies come from?’ or ‘Do you think i’m fat?’ but if the inquirer gets along when told the truth, there’s probably something you’re doing that you shouldn’t.
I tend to tell the truth as much as possible, at least to people I know well. As a martial arts instructor though, it’s annoyingly difficult to tell the truth to a lot of people. Most of my teenage or older students, I’m brutally honest with, but parents of students, especially the ones who I know are bad parents, I’m soooo tempted to be honest with. But that’ll usually mean we lose a student.
That and you really don’t want to hear your daughter’s sensei say pretty much anything sexual…
Great article, I laughed a lot. =)
I can actually relate to the exhilaration of telling the truth, though I usually only tell scary truths that are compliments. Like, “you keep showing up in my dreams.”
Telling meaner truths is something I am not sure I could really do. But it is sometimes surprising how much truth relationships can handle!!
This is more about the show in general: it’s *way* overproduced, so much so that it distracts from the subjects you cover. I’m all for experimentation, but this is mere preening. It’s more about you than about what you’re covering, or, to be sure, your listeners. It reminds me of Web pages created in all-Flash — it’s done more to show off than to actually serve the needs of your audience. The subjects are usually fascinating, and the reporting is good, but you ruin it all in the presentation.
I would have to respectfully disagree with Dan. I believe that Radio Lab is produced in manner that attracts attention of listeners who are not familiar of scientific research and theory. I also believe that the subject matter of many of the episodes of the show are very complex. (I have am familiar with the topics discussed.) Radio Lab discuss these topics well. In addition, they offer listeners places to go to learn more about their topics.
I would argue that lying is an adaptive behavior. Most people don’t lie to necessarily be insidious or mean, they do it because they instinctively believe that it will help them avoid conflict. On the other hand, there also are people who lie to insidious or sneaky. I guess what I am saying I hard to just drop an instinctive behavior all together as Mr. Blanton (in the article) suggests.
Main thing I enjoy about the show is the production of it. It creates an audibly pleasing lecture, as opposed to boring droning. Even the most engaging speakers can eventually lose an audience. Especially when much of what is described is about neurobiology, the use of sound is brilliant in how it can successfully evoke what’s being discussed much of the time. Like how often in the laughter episode I caught myself laughing at laughs rather than jokes, and questioning why I laughed…
I think Blanton’s main point is that most lies we use to avoid conflict really just delay conflict, and let it get worse. ie not saying you think someone’s poems are terrible, encouraging them to try to get them published, get eventual disappointment, and at some point you have to either keep lying more and more creatively, or tell them that they suck.
There’s being diplomatic, but there’s also just masking something difficult or contentious.
What this question doesn’t address is the malleability of truth - rarely is something absolutely %100 true. Even if it’s by omission, it’s impossible to tell the whole truth, with the exception of, perhaps, math. 1 + 1 = 2, unequivocally, but everything else in life is not that clear.
I don’t think it’s possible not to lie - the question is, to what degree are we comfortable with the bias in our lives, and at what point is too much spin too much?
Subjecting people to your stream of consciousness is NOT the definition of being truthful. Indeed, this often boils down to an externalization of responsibility.
Sometimes I can see the world as brutish and cruel. Sometimes I can see the world as hopeful and loving. Same world. The difference is obviously me.
The world is both cruel and loving. Choosing to see only one aspect of it is not the truth, so subjecting someone to my failure in perspective is not being truthful.
Any attempt to be honest should begin with an internal reconciliation. Being honest with yourself is a necessary prerequisite to being honest with others.
Also, there is a difference between candor and honesty. You are not required to vocalize every random thought. In fact, you can’t possibly. Therein, Blanton uses his ‘honesty’ to be just as manipulative as any lie. He doesn’t subject people to the random non-sequiturs that pop into the stream of consciousness so he does exercise selection in what he chooses to utter. Yet he never reconciles his utterances to the truth, just to the triviality that the thought did, in fact, flitter though his capricious brain.
Funny to post THAT anonymously!
It was an error. I take full responsibilty.
Rob Palmer, above, said:
“Being honest with yourself is a necessary prerequisite to being honest with others.”
Just thought I’d mention that we play with the idea of self-deception in the Deception show, which by the way goes on air this Friday in New York and has already run on some other stations. In fact, the whole show concludes with a piece about lying to ourselves. I don’t want to give too much away if you haven’t heard it yet, but let’s just say that lying to yourself might not be all bad.
AND, the new blog that Ellen just posted about placebos includes this quote from science writer Jonah Lerher:
“People have been trained by Eli Lilly’s ads to believe that a little blue pill will make them less depressed, and so they end up significantly less depressed. A little self-delusion might not be such a bad thing after all.”
It’s an idea that just keeps cropping up around here … maybe deception gets a bad rap, sometimes it seems to do some good.
Thanks for all the comments everyone.
The thing is, with telling the truth, people don’t like HEARING the truth. Even when people say something, such as, “Come on; just tell me the truth!” they DON’T WANT THE TRUTH!!!! I swear, it’s mainly because we, actually, WON’T deal with it. We can’t deal with it. The truth is so difficult for us, sometimes, because some of us are too stupid-scratch that-take things too personally, rather, that WE WON’T HANDLE IT. (Please pardon the caps. I’m not sure whether italicizing works on the blogs and I’m…not going to try and, possibly, fail with <’s and /’s everywhere. Anyway…)
People care about acceptance and are self-conscious (99.9999% of people are, roughly), and because of this people, usually, react badly towards any negative truth pertaining to them.
Mostly, the world would be filled with more self-conscious/self-accepting, crybaby/happy, argumentative/timid and wary, morons than there are now. But that’s okay, because at least that one girl/guy can kill themself because they start to hate themself as much as others tell them they hate them (or dislike. Yeah, sure.), because they’re too touchy to deal with it in an unpersonal level. Kill the stupids. Whatever.
If it makes you feel happy, I don’t care, lie, just, depending on what this ‘truth’ is, understand the difference an opinion and the overall, universal, tested, checked, tested again, and checked again, scientifically-proven truth.
…Um. Okay.